It’s time to reconsider the source of your frustration!

Being frustrated with others is like pointing a finger at them and realizing that there are three fingers pointing back at you. If you’re going to be frustrated with anybody it should be with yourself, but then that is just wasted energy. Either way, frustration is a sign of a need for greater intentionality.

Frustration is an emotion that suggests one of two things is taking place: either you are allowing something, which is in your control, to persist that could or should have been addressed more effectively earlier, or you have encountered something, which is not in your control, and are allowing it to bother you unnecessarily. Either way, both of these sources of frustration are ultimately on you, and not on the other person. Let me explain.

I was recently on a flight which was 100% full. I was in the aisle seat, my choice, with both the middle and window seat occupied. Literally, as soon as we reached an altitude of 10,000 feet, and the seat belt sign was turned off, the passenger in the window seat indicated that he needed to use the restroom. This is always a hassle and inconvenience, but even more so as I had just started working on my laptop. Being transparent, at first I had some judgmental thoughts and wondered why he didn’t use the facilities in the airport prior to departure. Weren’t we constantly reminded as children to use the restroom before going on a trip. But his choices, and upbringing, were not under my control.

What was controllable was my choice of an aisle seat knowing that there would be a chance that the other two seats might be occupied by individuals who had the same rights, as I have, to use the restroom at will. My frustration in this situation represents wasted emotion. I knew that I just needed to get over it and, with intentionality, not allow negativity to take root in my mind. Further, like I coach other leaders, it’s important to attribute positive intent.

Then there are situations, which are under your control. Imagine, for example, a manager who is frustrated with an employee who is habitually late, either in showing up to work or in completing projects or tasks. Emotions surrounding frustration in this situation arise because the behavior is being managed, with lateness tolerated, rather than shaped. 

When managing behaviors, instead of shaping them, a manager can easily rely on [false] hope that things will change with just one more reminder. Great leaders don’t rely on hope, but rather address situations head-on—people need to be given clarity of expectations and desired outcomes and the choice to adjust their behavior(s) [if they want to continue to be a part of the team].

Too many managers tell team members what to do, rather than ensuring buy-in, and are then disappointed when the team member does not follow through with what they told them to do. The issue is not with the team member, but rather with the manager. Assumption and hope are ineffective strategies, which usually result in frustration when desired outcomes are not achieved after multiple reminders.

Hence, frustration in these situations is a sign of a missed opportunity—a sign that you didn’t do something previous that would have addressed the issue—and instead of owning the ongoing failure, your frustration is an attempt to deflect negative emotions.

Instead of allowing frustration to turn into negativity, anger, or depression a great leader looks for their missed leadership opportunities and moves forward with greater intentionality in shaping team member behaviors.

Intentionality involves leaders asking, “don’t know, or don’t care?” They inform, teach, and train team members who don’t know, and have consequential conversations with team members whose actions suggest they don’t care. 

The next time you get frustrated pause, breathe, and look for the leadership opportunity that was missed. Then with intentionality take the appropriate steps to shape better behavior going forward…in yourself and others!

Herb Mast is a Leadership Coach and Employee Engagement Specialist. Learn how he can assist you in implementing the principles and concepts presented here.